I wait all day, just hoping for one more minute with you.

To touch you… and to feel you. To be able to hold your hand.
Do you know what that means to me? 

The reason why I felt so miserable at Genting was partly because I was missing you so damn much...
The other reason was because I felt extremely upset with myself for hurting you with all that quarrelling...

I guess you know how it feels like to be missing and thinking about someone everyday...
Not to be able to see, hear or hold the person that you love...
And even though I did everything I can, I was still unable to see you...
Sometimes I really can't take it anymore so I ended up doing things my way and come looking for you..
But it always end up upsetting u, making u angry...
I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to cause u to be upset...

I didn't meant to make you feel terrible or feel like the worst living person in the world...
I just needed you to understand and acknowledge how I feel but in the end I end up hurting you more...
And yet you always end up apologising when everything was my fault.
It hurts seeing u say all tht abt yourself, saying sorry again and again, I just need you to understand how I feel...I'm sorry to make u feel that way...
I feel so guilty and upset for hurting you, especially the day when u broke down at ur com, I felt so remorseful.
I'm sorry for everything, I'm just a selfish person.

I worry alot abt my parents. Seeing the amount of medication they need to take daily is very scary.
My heart breaks knowing that they are getting worst by the day, all the medicine is just prolonging it, they will never get better...

I worry when the time comes I will not be able to give them the necessay care and attention. No way I can afford to let them see private. Because I'm such a useless son, my mum had to wait 3 days to take her scan and she had to starve 3 days n nights becauseof me. I feel completely useless.

Work is just going downhill, I really can't be bothered much at this moment.
My own UM can come and tell me he is not motivated and half the time he keeps repeating that he regret leaving pizza hut. then wtf is he still staying around. Small little things also cannot handle, always want to run away from meetings and presentations. My AM is another useless one, even other AMs can say that as well, really no comments...and seriously if they want to terminate me now I also can't be the least bothered at all...

My emotions seems to be all messed up, I'm upset amd guilty with myself, I love you and I miss you like crazy, I feel like the most useless son in the world, I can't even be bothered with work at this time and the headaches are not helping much at all. I just feel completely broken.

When I tried to eat my lunch today, there was no strength in my arms. My hands felt so weak.
I couldn't even hold my plate. I had to put my plate on the table and slowly feed myself with my other hand.